a step forward and a step back, now were dancing!!

I've been fighting for some time the feeling that I need to be doing ministry at my church. i guess in my mind i'm seeing where i want to be in 10 years and God has been trying to get me to take the step for this year. Why do we sometimes see the things that God wants to do as steps backwards, when we know we cannot see the whole picture. My Church has recently started a ministry equipping program.  I have admitted that I was believing a lie and being prideful by thinking that I do not need anymore training. I have been in ministry since I was a very young girl and also have a degree from Bible college. I was buying into a lie. We are never truly done. God is constantly growing and teaching us things. Isn't one day in life just training for the next? I feel like this a huge step of faith for me. If I do this at Church my work schedule will have to change and I will have to find a way to pay for it. I have been wanting to go back to school. I actually love being a class, and doing homework. I love writing papers, and scouring books. I asked my Bible Study to pray for me tonight. I feel so lost in this world. I truly do feel like an alien to the world.I am believing this is what I should be moving towards. I spoke with my cousin the other day and God confirmed this in several ways. This is kind of a catch all post...I just needed to verbalize some of this to sort it out. I've also been missing dance so much lately its killing me inside. i don't know why it's not a part of my life right now. My friends got to talking about dancing tonight and it was like a knife twisting in my heart. All I want my life to be is ministry, dance, art and the people I love!

Eavesdropping

I'm not going to lie at this very moment I'm sitting in a coffee house and totally eavesdropping on the table next to me. It started out as being intrigued by the conversation they were having about speaking in tongues (very loudly i might add). Now the man who is what I believe to be counseling the other is sharing the story of how his relationship fell apart. I've never had the desire to go sit at a strangers table like I do right now. I identify with the story he was telling.We as Christians do not share out sins enough with each other. We keep or mistakes to ourselves and we need to lay it all out more. What are we getting out of keeping it all in? Bringing sin into the light helps to keep darkness form lording over it. I can only smile because I've been where he is and felt what he is feeling. So...to the stranger in Picasso's tonight: I prayed for you, for guidance and wisdom and joy to be your strength. God is faithful and will bring you through.

aha!!

I had kind of an AHA! moment today. I really disappointed myself this weekend. I made myself feel even more unworthy than I already feel at times. I have been dealing so much with loneliness. I have never been this person but lately I cannot even handle being at my house alone. I have been going to coffee shops and to stores just to be around other people and not have to face the lonely abyss of my house. I have been ignoring the reoccurring nudges that it might be God getting me to a place of only me and Him. I will admit that I was starting to Get really mad about this. I have people in my life...one in particular that genuinely love me with all their hearts... and God has been slowly removing these people from me. THIS has made me even more angry!!! During my anger and self loathing I called the one person who I can tell all theses things to and get godly advice from and walk away feeling empowered, my cousin. She is responsible for my AHA!  Sometimes we need to remember the things that God said to us before. I am a person who thrives on moving forward always, so I don't always hang onto the words that God gives me. I am constantly trying to figure out where God is taking me next when sometimes he is trying to get me to sit still!! I realized that sometimes God wants it to be just us and Him because He loves us. He is a jealous lover. I know when I love someone..the only thing I want sometimes is time with just that person. Just some quiet time of just me and that other person. God compares his relationship with us to a romantic love relationship often in the Bible. The most used is that we are the Bride of Christ. It does not ease my loneliness for the company of others but is a comfort to me to know that God loves me so much that He wants me for Himself for a time. He wants a time of me to Himself. I thought I was going through the process of busting out of my cocoon and thats why life was hurting so bad...but I am realizing that God still has me wrapped tight inside that cocoon, keeping me warm and all to himself.

Unworthy

I know that I am totally unworthy of the calling that is placed on my life. I think that is part of the point. We alone can never do the things that God can do through us if we just allow Him to do what He wants. I feel that I have this feeling on a very healthy level. However, lately I have been feeling unworthy of a partner in this calling. Is it normal to wonder if God maybe calling me alone? In the past I have dated guys who have not felt the calling to ministry like I have, and it ultimately has always ended the relationship because it is something I cannot waver on. I desperately want to be farther along in ministry. Maybe thats not having faith or not taking time to appreciate where God has me right now but I do. I want to be deeper into a "get your hands dirty" ministry. I want to be living small and be crazy busy. I want a million people in and out of my house at all times and my phone ringing all times of the day with people who have no one else to turn to. I want to be planning things and have great responsibility. I would love to be in that life now but the picture looks so incomplete without someone to share it with. I picture myself laying in bed at the end of the day and talking about the amazing things that God did that day, talking about fears and faith, and most of all praying like I've never prayed before with another person. I know that God could use me as a single woman and is. Rag Tag  is exciting and I can't wait to see what God will do through that movement. But, I still find myself longing for that ministry partner. I know Satan is using this in a big way by attack my worthiness for the kind of man that I want. I am not shy about who I have been in the past, and I cannot help but think sometimes that no man of God would want a woman with a past like mine. Even as I sit here typing an old friend of mine's husband is sitting on the other side of the coffee house. I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy for her life and the ministry they are building together. It't not my dream ministry by a far cry, but they are doing it and together. How do i separate the good feeling of unworthiness about ministry and allowing God to do what he wants and the unworthy of a partner in ministry feeling? Don't those two things go hand and hand? I Can have faith about one but not the other? I know that my 2 readers are probably getting tired of hearing this same fear of mine but it keeps hitting me and harder each time.

The Girl who walked away from ordinary.

Who knew you could actually be inspired by a Miley Sirus song. I feel almost ashamed to admit it..but, I was while on my way to work this week. I might as well come out now and say: I am a closet Miley fan. I was singing along in the amphitheater that is my car and I was hit by a line in her song.  I don't remember the line but, I remember the feeling and the struggle that I had afterward. I feel that God has placed an incredible calling on my life. I have this consuming desire for a life of crazy adventures in ministry. I am so inspired by shows like project runway (which happens to be one of my favorite shows) for the sheer fact that those people left everything, probably quit their jobs, letting bills get behind, straining relationships just to follow their dreams and their passions. They will not be satisfied unless they are living their dream. Now here is the struggle: I want to run after my passions in that way. I've been very seriously considering getting a 2nd job and spending one year paying off debt and saving money. At the end of that year I will be able to do that. Sell everything and go. Do. Sunday morning at church I was given a picture by someone else. She said she saw me as peter. A rock. A doubter (for a time) but after the doubt, one with incredible faith. A faith to run head first, full speed after my dreams. I want it. I’m scared that working like that will stretch all my relationships. But, I am praying for that Peter faith to step out. What is the point of dreaming of revolutions if I am not willing to take a cue from every great do-er and just Freaking Do!

PS. Read The Church that never sleeps. It is really good...so far :)

Old paper thats been on my mind.

I've come back to this conversation several times in the past two days. I keep coming back to a paragraph i wrote for my English class several years ago. I thought i'd share with you since its been on my mind so heavily lately.

 I long for the days of pink ribbons and strong males. the days when men and womens rolls were not blurred but defined the way God intends. Forty to fifty years ago girls were looked at as delicate creatures, created as help-mates to men. men were regarded as providers and protectors. in todays society womens lib. runs wild proclaiming the days of poodle skirts and bananna curls as repression and our so called "protectors" as the repress-ors. Pink was for girls and blue was for boys. Today I dont think anyone would know the difference. The gender rolls are consistently being blurred into one giant unisex society. Marriage is not regarded as the sacred bond a man and woman share, but the whim any two humans, male or female should have the right to take on or take back whenever they want. I only wish we could go back to those poodle skirt and pink ribbon days

Ministry??

What is ministry? We have to as a church stop making people our project. We so often see someone who is in need and make them our project. Shouldn't we just befriend and love them? I will admit I've been guilty of this. I have kept people at arms length but trying to show them love in the form of compassion and help. Is this love? Love is a sacrifice of yourself. If we are pressing into Christ and have the support of our Christian friends can't we love people on a real level and be real friends with them? Should we really have ministry moments or a life style of ministry through love?
I am in a difficult process of changing my lifestyle into this very thing. I have felt called into ministry for 10 years and have only spent 3 month in full time ministry. I have always just volunteered to help without holding any real position because I have always felt unworthy to do my calling. God has been really working in me that...that is the point. I am completely unworthy to do his calling. Without being a broken person I cannot minister to a broken world. I am so incredibly ready to begin my life in full time ministry and Its starting here in St. Charles, Mo. Were not 3rd world or an exotic location but we are filled with broken people who need to know the true love of Christ. Not Church. Not religion. Not Legality. Love. the Love of Savior who will make them a new creation. My days of "project people" are over. Lord help me to live a life of ministry and a life of sacrificial love when it isn't easy.

Rebel with a cause: Love

Its funny how God makes us. I have a natural James Dean rebellion in me. It has gotten me into trouble it's fair share of times. But, it's awesome how God not only uses that but, he made it in me for a purpose. I love that God has been growing a love in me for the group of people that is so hated by collective Christians. he wants me to Rebel for Love. I want more than anything to shake the American church world's core. We need to get  back to the O.T. church, what that looks like and back to who Jesus shows us to be by example. Love! We need a love revolution in the church and stop living this watered down life we call Christianity. Lets be real Christ followers, real Christians and rebel against this! Stand up for the truth! Love with sacrifice! Real love for people is a sacrifice of time and comfort. how did we get to this point in the Church where this is not the norm? Be the church we are called to be!

Love

I'm incredibly angry! There is so much hype happening around Christians and Muslims and the hate that we so publically have for one another. Maybe I am a freak..which I am more than ok with adopting that title....but, even when people hate us aren't we called to love? I have a growing love for Muslims. God has been placing a compassion and Love for them in me that I can't even begin to explain in the past few weeks. I have been learning a lot about the people in Muslim countries and even more than I already knew about the major difference between extremest and everyday Muslims. Yes, there are men who as i sit here typing who are training children to kill others, and other men planing to kill even more Americans. However, there are also mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wifes and husbands who live less than a mile form those men and are trying to live their lives in peace, and working to love those in their community. Why are those people so much different from who we are?  How much bigger of an impact would we make on this world by reacting to acts such as burning our flag, with love rather than hatred and revenge? As Americans we are constantly shown stories of Muslims who hate us and are fighting against us etc.. We are being influenced to hate Muslims even just as Americans for our governments gain. We are rarely shown the people who hate the hatred as much as we do. I'm actually thankful that story came out about the pastor burning the Qur-an. It makes me upset the name this pastor is giving Christians, but I pray that this makes others think. We are called as Christians to two things and that's it. Love God. Love Others...all the legality falls into this....and nowhere could you justify hating and disrespecting the Muslims people!

Changing of the Seasons

God is changing me with the seasons..all the old is dying and falling off...I'm not looking forward to the winter of preparation...but I'm excited for the spring!    The Lord really spoke to me tonight that He is about to change me. The past couple weeks I have been feeling that He is preparing me for ministry and the desires of my heart. I know that I am not the person I need to be for that to happen. He is about to do some major work making me the woman I have always been called to be. He hit me while I was driving to my parents house tonight. I am changing with the seasons. There are things that are a part of me right now that need to dry up and fall off like the leaves of a great oak. After He has removed all the those things comes the time of just Him and me and learning. Finally after a long winter comes the spring. He is going to bloom new things in my life..and a new beauty. I will have new flowers and new fruit in my life. I am a very far way from being that woman, and while I am excited to become her...I am scared about the trip. Without great pain their can be no great change. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way" (Hebrews 12:11)

American Mindset

So I've been catching up on my world politics and of course I am getting all rilled up and enraged..what else is new? I feel like no matter what Americans are not going to see what is happening in the rest of the world. We go out and spend $80 on a pair of jeans because they make our butt look perfect, when women on the other side of the world are scraping to buy their family of 5 dinner on her $1 a day. How did we get to this point? How are we as Americans so blinded to what is going on? When i lived in South Africa we did a mini mission while we were there and helped out a local low income housing complex. The people that we spent our time with were lesbian prostitutes and families of 5 living in one room. We were to only spend $1 a day (the average income of the housing complex) to do anything that we needed to do, we also were to gift a family with a meal at the end of the week. To feed that family with one meal, we had to save everything we had that week to buy food. These people live like that everyday, they also have to pay their rent, buy their children clothes, schooling, everything. I love being an American..but I am so ashamed of us sometimes. It breaks my heart and makes me sick that we live the way we do. I have been convicted lately to downsize, to live smaller and be a better steward of the money I am so blessed to be able to earn in this country. I long to be a pioneer and a voice in the darkness. All we need is love :) as the Beatles so amazingly put it. When it comes down to the American dream of needing a big house and a nice car...and owning this..owning that... Why? The happiest people in the world sit on the floor and eat in their 2 room house with their kids running all over, but have the love of Christ..and their family..what else do we need?

The Lou!!

This morning at church I was really seeking God with where I am suppose to be. The youth pastor I worked with at Faith Chapel really prayed with me about it. I felt very very clearly God telling me "I have called you to st. louis, this is your city, this is where your ministry begins". I am excited to finally have direction, but I am a little sad he's not calling me to the other side of the world. Most people argue with God about Him calling them to africa, I argue with Him about being here.
I'm still not sure what the ministry is that He is calling me to but, I am excited to be in St. Louis. I love this city. There is so much history here and culture. If I have to be in the united states, St. Louis is where I want to be. I am so excited to stay around my friends and family. Now i just have to find the ministry that God is calling me to. Still going to continue praying about His call and His direction...and finding a place to live.

13th Floor

I've been second guessing the choice that 13th floor is where I'm being called to specifically in ministry. I have my application in but have really been dragging my feet getting everything else to them. I have reconnected with really good friends since being back in Missouri and know that those people are good for my life. Its hard to walk away from all that. I know that i will make amazing friends while I'm on team and that the friends I don't want to leave will be always be my friends no matter where I live. I've been hearing from everyone that this is not what I am suppose to do. My dad sends me emails regularly giving me new reasons not to go. I think the thing that is making me question it the most is my cousin recently told me she thinks maybe I should wait. I know that she is going to tell me what she thinks unbiased. She was so excited when I told her that i was quitting my job and moving back into full time missions before.
I also was very hurt by a friend on team this month. They really turned their back on me when I needed a friend, and I really don't want to see that person every single day. I know that God is going to do what he wants there, but I am starting to wonder if God has been trying to tell me "no" and I haven't been listening. Is He trying to get my attention? I thought so clearly that God has been calling me back to 13th floor, but maybe He is just calling me back to ministry. I need to pray about this so much, I don't want to miss out on what God has for my life. I also don't want to go all the way around the world to realize that God was calling me to something in St. Louis. For those of you that read my blog please be praying with me about this decision.

Half a team

I'm struggling so much today with the God's calling me into ministry alone. I want to follow his calling no matter what, but I've always picture myself in ministry with someone else. Maybe it's just my Christian High School alumniness that's getting to me, being the only one not married from my graduating class. It's difficult when your called into ministry. I have known many great godly men, however when the call on your life is so unconvential you kinda have to find someone else who has that same call. In my entire life I've only ever even met one other person with the the same vision for their life. I know that God will satisfy my every need and that he probably has  an amazing man to be my teammate and partner. It's just slightly bitter sweet to be starting my life as a full time missionary as a single woman. I'm so excited to be finally at this point but, it's taking a lot of prayer and reliance on my heavenly father to help me not focus on my single status.