I had kind of an AHA! moment today. I really disappointed myself this weekend. I made myself feel even more unworthy than I already feel at times. I have been dealing so much with loneliness. I have never been this person but lately I cannot even handle being at my house alone. I have been going to coffee shops and to stores just to be around other people and not have to face the lonely abyss of my house. I have been ignoring the reoccurring nudges that it might be God getting me to a place of only me and Him. I will admit that I was starting to Get really mad about this. I have people in my life...one in particular that genuinely love me with all their hearts... and God has been slowly removing these people from me. THIS has made me even more angry!!! During my anger and self loathing I called the one person who I can tell all theses things to and get godly advice from and walk away feeling empowered, my cousin. She is responsible for my AHA! Sometimes we need to remember the things that God said to us before. I am a person who thrives on moving forward always, so I don't always hang onto the words that God gives me. I am constantly trying to figure out where God is taking me next when sometimes he is trying to get me to sit still!! I realized that sometimes God wants it to be just us and Him because He loves us. He is a jealous lover. I know when I love someone..the only thing I want sometimes is time with just that person. Just some quiet time of just me and that other person. God compares his relationship with us to a romantic love relationship often in the Bible. The most used is that we are the Bride of Christ. It does not ease my loneliness for the company of others but is a comfort to me to know that God loves me so much that He wants me for Himself for a time. He wants a time of me to Himself. I thought I was going through the process of busting out of my cocoon and thats why life was hurting so bad...but I am realizing that God still has me wrapped tight inside that cocoon, keeping me warm and all to himself.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
aha!!
I had kind of an AHA! moment today. I really disappointed myself this weekend. I made myself feel even more unworthy than I already feel at times. I have been dealing so much with loneliness. I have never been this person but lately I cannot even handle being at my house alone. I have been going to coffee shops and to stores just to be around other people and not have to face the lonely abyss of my house. I have been ignoring the reoccurring nudges that it might be God getting me to a place of only me and Him. I will admit that I was starting to Get really mad about this. I have people in my life...one in particular that genuinely love me with all their hearts... and God has been slowly removing these people from me. THIS has made me even more angry!!! During my anger and self loathing I called the one person who I can tell all theses things to and get godly advice from and walk away feeling empowered, my cousin. She is responsible for my AHA! Sometimes we need to remember the things that God said to us before. I am a person who thrives on moving forward always, so I don't always hang onto the words that God gives me. I am constantly trying to figure out where God is taking me next when sometimes he is trying to get me to sit still!! I realized that sometimes God wants it to be just us and Him because He loves us. He is a jealous lover. I know when I love someone..the only thing I want sometimes is time with just that person. Just some quiet time of just me and that other person. God compares his relationship with us to a romantic love relationship often in the Bible. The most used is that we are the Bride of Christ. It does not ease my loneliness for the company of others but is a comfort to me to know that God loves me so much that He wants me for Himself for a time. He wants a time of me to Himself. I thought I was going through the process of busting out of my cocoon and thats why life was hurting so bad...but I am realizing that God still has me wrapped tight inside that cocoon, keeping me warm and all to himself.
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