Upside Down.

I have been praying so much this week about where I am "supposed" to be. Since I moved back home in 2007 I have been aching to move back to Africa and experience the contentment and peace I had while there. But, the more i seek God and seek a closeness in my relationship with Him the more I am finding that I have that contentment in Him and in Him alone.
Several weeks ago a woman in my church had a dream about me I feel was very prophetic about me desiring an intimacy with Jesus I haven't been experiencing in some time. I shared with her that God had recently laid it on my heart that I was making Africa my Jesus. I thought that I would be happy and content and fulfilled if only I could get back there. If only I could move back and do missions. But, God showed me that it was always Him. It has been Him, is Him and will always be Him that holds my peace, contentment and fulfillment. So i let it go. I let go of Africa and allowed God to be my focus. I still wanted missions but I knew my "happiness" didn't depend on it.
Isn't it funny how when you let go of something that's when you get it? I was recently offered a position with an African missions group. I can just go. I can go as long as I want or as short as I want. It's literally being dropped in my lap and now I'm not sure I want it. I'm at a point in my life where God is truly sustaining me and fulfilling me. I haven't been so involved in a church and surrounded by christian friends who love me since I was in Africa. God is giving me my Africa experience here. My Jesus under the mulberry tree is HERE. I can stain my feet here in His presence. So where am I now. I still feel called to ministry of some kind. But what? I've always felt superior to others that I have had my calling figured out since I was 15 and I'm being humbled that I am like every other single person my age. I'm asking the same questions. I want to know where God wants me to be.
I recently had this conversation with my mom and she spoke such wisdom to me. Is God calling me to serve in America? The one country I didn't want to end up serving in? God loves to surprise us. He loves to turn our worlds upside down.

More Than Enough

"All of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love and all I have in you is more than enough" 

My Savior is more than enough for me. Even when my plans and desires do not work out the way that I want them to or even feel like they should. My AHA! moment this month was God showing me that all the things that make my heart beat for missions can be found in my relationship with Him. The Love and Peace that I desire so much can be completely found in Him. When I deeply desire the satisfaction of being on the mission field I can turn to my Jesus under the mulberry tree and He gives it to me here. My heart still aches daily to be on the mission field and I don't think I will ever stop trying to get there but, until the day i step off the plane He is enough for me.

Equador and Katie Davis

So I got back from equador several weeks ago and I find myself still processing it. I havent been overseas in years and God is still breaking it more and more. I love that God broke my heart for a people that i've honestly never thought about before.
My heart in head are in a battle now. I loved equador. I loved the people that I met. I loved anita (a woman in the villiage). and I love that more than longing to go to Equador agian, I long to see her family agian.
But, my heart has been in africa for as long as I can remember (except for that time when I was 13 and I decided GOd was calling me to be a youth pastors wife lol) I know that I will call it home agian one more time.
The door for africa seems so closed for me right now and Equador seems so open. I Can very easily picture my life in Equador and loving every second of it.

 I read some of Katie Davis' blog today and since I was crying in front of lots of people I decided to hold it off for later :) It hurts to see someone living the life that i have pictutred. In the past several years God has laid addoption so heavy on my heart.
Why can't I feel the peace of His timing now? 
Honestly...I just want to go where He calls me. I Just want to be in the very center of His will for my life. But not knowing whats around ....

Ek is die huis ontbreekt

I have been thinking alot lately...I know that God is callng me to Africa, and i know His word says not to worry about what "you will eat or drink, or what you will wear"....I am saving for a ticket. I don't know exactly when i will go or what i will do when I get there. I can't take not being where i am supposed to be a second longer. Sunday we were disscusing how to "Anxiously awate His return" and what that really looks like. My answers was simple: Just do what God is calling you to". Do you ever say something and then immediately you are convicted by your own answer!? I knew that was the Holy Spirit speaking because I do not like to be convicted and would not have done it to myself.lol

Thousandth Wind

I am constantly in awe of God's timing and planning. While I still feel infinitely far away from where I want my life to be I can almost feel his authorship in a tangible way. From my past posts it may be obvious but God has really been laying Muslims on my heart in an intense way. I do not feel at home in American culture even a little bit and the culture of Muslim countries is in an odd way very appealing to me. But, even more than that I think my rebel heart longs to love the culture that many of the Church's members rally to hate. I say all of that to attest to God's providence. He has placed in my life someone who is drawn to those same things in the same way. I honestly believe that God is setting my life up for what He has for me one day. I don't know how else to describe it but that I feel His authorship in my life. In the Past month it seems that everyone in my life has caught the fire of missions. My roommate and best friend are desiring in  new way to have a hand in missions and want their summer vacations to be missions trips. My parents and family are planning on doing mission trip this summer as well. It feels as though God is readying everything around me.
This hippi chick has decided to sell out to the man and work a corporate job for a year maybe slightly more and pay off all my debts and get myself in a position to drop it all and go. There are so many opportunities for internships with great organizations that I could not take right now. Pray with me for a job that will help me in this.

a step forward and a step back, now were dancing!!

I've been fighting for some time the feeling that I need to be doing ministry at my church. i guess in my mind i'm seeing where i want to be in 10 years and God has been trying to get me to take the step for this year. Why do we sometimes see the things that God wants to do as steps backwards, when we know we cannot see the whole picture. My Church has recently started a ministry equipping program.  I have admitted that I was believing a lie and being prideful by thinking that I do not need anymore training. I have been in ministry since I was a very young girl and also have a degree from Bible college. I was buying into a lie. We are never truly done. God is constantly growing and teaching us things. Isn't one day in life just training for the next? I feel like this a huge step of faith for me. If I do this at Church my work schedule will have to change and I will have to find a way to pay for it. I have been wanting to go back to school. I actually love being a class, and doing homework. I love writing papers, and scouring books. I asked my Bible Study to pray for me tonight. I feel so lost in this world. I truly do feel like an alien to the world.I am believing this is what I should be moving towards. I spoke with my cousin the other day and God confirmed this in several ways. This is kind of a catch all post...I just needed to verbalize some of this to sort it out. I've also been missing dance so much lately its killing me inside. i don't know why it's not a part of my life right now. My friends got to talking about dancing tonight and it was like a knife twisting in my heart. All I want my life to be is ministry, dance, art and the people I love!

Eavesdropping

I'm not going to lie at this very moment I'm sitting in a coffee house and totally eavesdropping on the table next to me. It started out as being intrigued by the conversation they were having about speaking in tongues (very loudly i might add). Now the man who is what I believe to be counseling the other is sharing the story of how his relationship fell apart. I've never had the desire to go sit at a strangers table like I do right now. I identify with the story he was telling.We as Christians do not share out sins enough with each other. We keep or mistakes to ourselves and we need to lay it all out more. What are we getting out of keeping it all in? Bringing sin into the light helps to keep darkness form lording over it. I can only smile because I've been where he is and felt what he is feeling. So...to the stranger in Picasso's tonight: I prayed for you, for guidance and wisdom and joy to be your strength. God is faithful and will bring you through.