a step forward and a step back, now were dancing!!

I've been fighting for some time the feeling that I need to be doing ministry at my church. i guess in my mind i'm seeing where i want to be in 10 years and God has been trying to get me to take the step for this year. Why do we sometimes see the things that God wants to do as steps backwards, when we know we cannot see the whole picture. My Church has recently started a ministry equipping program.  I have admitted that I was believing a lie and being prideful by thinking that I do not need anymore training. I have been in ministry since I was a very young girl and also have a degree from Bible college. I was buying into a lie. We are never truly done. God is constantly growing and teaching us things. Isn't one day in life just training for the next? I feel like this a huge step of faith for me. If I do this at Church my work schedule will have to change and I will have to find a way to pay for it. I have been wanting to go back to school. I actually love being a class, and doing homework. I love writing papers, and scouring books. I asked my Bible Study to pray for me tonight. I feel so lost in this world. I truly do feel like an alien to the world.I am believing this is what I should be moving towards. I spoke with my cousin the other day and God confirmed this in several ways. This is kind of a catch all post...I just needed to verbalize some of this to sort it out. I've also been missing dance so much lately its killing me inside. i don't know why it's not a part of my life right now. My friends got to talking about dancing tonight and it was like a knife twisting in my heart. All I want my life to be is ministry, dance, art and the people I love!

Eavesdropping

I'm not going to lie at this very moment I'm sitting in a coffee house and totally eavesdropping on the table next to me. It started out as being intrigued by the conversation they were having about speaking in tongues (very loudly i might add). Now the man who is what I believe to be counseling the other is sharing the story of how his relationship fell apart. I've never had the desire to go sit at a strangers table like I do right now. I identify with the story he was telling.We as Christians do not share out sins enough with each other. We keep or mistakes to ourselves and we need to lay it all out more. What are we getting out of keeping it all in? Bringing sin into the light helps to keep darkness form lording over it. I can only smile because I've been where he is and felt what he is feeling. So...to the stranger in Picasso's tonight: I prayed for you, for guidance and wisdom and joy to be your strength. God is faithful and will bring you through.

aha!!

I had kind of an AHA! moment today. I really disappointed myself this weekend. I made myself feel even more unworthy than I already feel at times. I have been dealing so much with loneliness. I have never been this person but lately I cannot even handle being at my house alone. I have been going to coffee shops and to stores just to be around other people and not have to face the lonely abyss of my house. I have been ignoring the reoccurring nudges that it might be God getting me to a place of only me and Him. I will admit that I was starting to Get really mad about this. I have people in my life...one in particular that genuinely love me with all their hearts... and God has been slowly removing these people from me. THIS has made me even more angry!!! During my anger and self loathing I called the one person who I can tell all theses things to and get godly advice from and walk away feeling empowered, my cousin. She is responsible for my AHA!  Sometimes we need to remember the things that God said to us before. I am a person who thrives on moving forward always, so I don't always hang onto the words that God gives me. I am constantly trying to figure out where God is taking me next when sometimes he is trying to get me to sit still!! I realized that sometimes God wants it to be just us and Him because He loves us. He is a jealous lover. I know when I love someone..the only thing I want sometimes is time with just that person. Just some quiet time of just me and that other person. God compares his relationship with us to a romantic love relationship often in the Bible. The most used is that we are the Bride of Christ. It does not ease my loneliness for the company of others but is a comfort to me to know that God loves me so much that He wants me for Himself for a time. He wants a time of me to Himself. I thought I was going through the process of busting out of my cocoon and thats why life was hurting so bad...but I am realizing that God still has me wrapped tight inside that cocoon, keeping me warm and all to himself.

Unworthy

I know that I am totally unworthy of the calling that is placed on my life. I think that is part of the point. We alone can never do the things that God can do through us if we just allow Him to do what He wants. I feel that I have this feeling on a very healthy level. However, lately I have been feeling unworthy of a partner in this calling. Is it normal to wonder if God maybe calling me alone? In the past I have dated guys who have not felt the calling to ministry like I have, and it ultimately has always ended the relationship because it is something I cannot waver on. I desperately want to be farther along in ministry. Maybe thats not having faith or not taking time to appreciate where God has me right now but I do. I want to be deeper into a "get your hands dirty" ministry. I want to be living small and be crazy busy. I want a million people in and out of my house at all times and my phone ringing all times of the day with people who have no one else to turn to. I want to be planning things and have great responsibility. I would love to be in that life now but the picture looks so incomplete without someone to share it with. I picture myself laying in bed at the end of the day and talking about the amazing things that God did that day, talking about fears and faith, and most of all praying like I've never prayed before with another person. I know that God could use me as a single woman and is. Rag Tag  is exciting and I can't wait to see what God will do through that movement. But, I still find myself longing for that ministry partner. I know Satan is using this in a big way by attack my worthiness for the kind of man that I want. I am not shy about who I have been in the past, and I cannot help but think sometimes that no man of God would want a woman with a past like mine. Even as I sit here typing an old friend of mine's husband is sitting on the other side of the coffee house. I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy for her life and the ministry they are building together. It't not my dream ministry by a far cry, but they are doing it and together. How do i separate the good feeling of unworthiness about ministry and allowing God to do what he wants and the unworthy of a partner in ministry feeling? Don't those two things go hand and hand? I Can have faith about one but not the other? I know that my 2 readers are probably getting tired of hearing this same fear of mine but it keeps hitting me and harder each time.

The Girl who walked away from ordinary.

Who knew you could actually be inspired by a Miley Sirus song. I feel almost ashamed to admit it..but, I was while on my way to work this week. I might as well come out now and say: I am a closet Miley fan. I was singing along in the amphitheater that is my car and I was hit by a line in her song.  I don't remember the line but, I remember the feeling and the struggle that I had afterward. I feel that God has placed an incredible calling on my life. I have this consuming desire for a life of crazy adventures in ministry. I am so inspired by shows like project runway (which happens to be one of my favorite shows) for the sheer fact that those people left everything, probably quit their jobs, letting bills get behind, straining relationships just to follow their dreams and their passions. They will not be satisfied unless they are living their dream. Now here is the struggle: I want to run after my passions in that way. I've been very seriously considering getting a 2nd job and spending one year paying off debt and saving money. At the end of that year I will be able to do that. Sell everything and go. Do. Sunday morning at church I was given a picture by someone else. She said she saw me as peter. A rock. A doubter (for a time) but after the doubt, one with incredible faith. A faith to run head first, full speed after my dreams. I want it. I’m scared that working like that will stretch all my relationships. But, I am praying for that Peter faith to step out. What is the point of dreaming of revolutions if I am not willing to take a cue from every great do-er and just Freaking Do!

PS. Read The Church that never sleeps. It is really good...so far :)

Old paper thats been on my mind.

I've come back to this conversation several times in the past two days. I keep coming back to a paragraph i wrote for my English class several years ago. I thought i'd share with you since its been on my mind so heavily lately.

 I long for the days of pink ribbons and strong males. the days when men and womens rolls were not blurred but defined the way God intends. Forty to fifty years ago girls were looked at as delicate creatures, created as help-mates to men. men were regarded as providers and protectors. in todays society womens lib. runs wild proclaiming the days of poodle skirts and bananna curls as repression and our so called "protectors" as the repress-ors. Pink was for girls and blue was for boys. Today I dont think anyone would know the difference. The gender rolls are consistently being blurred into one giant unisex society. Marriage is not regarded as the sacred bond a man and woman share, but the whim any two humans, male or female should have the right to take on or take back whenever they want. I only wish we could go back to those poodle skirt and pink ribbon days

Ministry??

What is ministry? We have to as a church stop making people our project. We so often see someone who is in need and make them our project. Shouldn't we just befriend and love them? I will admit I've been guilty of this. I have kept people at arms length but trying to show them love in the form of compassion and help. Is this love? Love is a sacrifice of yourself. If we are pressing into Christ and have the support of our Christian friends can't we love people on a real level and be real friends with them? Should we really have ministry moments or a life style of ministry through love?
I am in a difficult process of changing my lifestyle into this very thing. I have felt called into ministry for 10 years and have only spent 3 month in full time ministry. I have always just volunteered to help without holding any real position because I have always felt unworthy to do my calling. God has been really working in me that...that is the point. I am completely unworthy to do his calling. Without being a broken person I cannot minister to a broken world. I am so incredibly ready to begin my life in full time ministry and Its starting here in St. Charles, Mo. Were not 3rd world or an exotic location but we are filled with broken people who need to know the true love of Christ. Not Church. Not religion. Not Legality. Love. the Love of Savior who will make them a new creation. My days of "project people" are over. Lord help me to live a life of ministry and a life of sacrificial love when it isn't easy.